Follow the suggestions:
Introduction: 1) You spend far too much time on your opener. 2) You need to include an extensive summary of his article. You can use the one you submitted for homework. 3) You need to identify his target audience, tone, and purpose explicitly.
Thesis: Right now, your thesis lists too many topics. Be sure to also put your thesis in bold.
Organizational Plan: Do not label your body paragraphs. Instead, your topic sentence should make it clear what the paragraph is going to be about.
Body Paragraphs: 1) Do not put the appeals in all capital letter. In fact, they should not be capitalized at all. 2) You should aim for 2-3 direct quotes or example from the article per body paragraph to support each topic sentence. Also, make sure you are spending enough time explaining/analyzing each example.
Conclusion: More evaluation and development needed.
Templates: Use and underline a minimum of 10.